kid! nigel and adam discuss sex from what they’ve heard about it

imaginehanniballecter:

‘My uncle said something really fucking weird to me last night.’ 
‘Niiiiigel, you can’t say bad words! Miss Gillespie-’
‘I’m ten and a half, Adam! I’m over half and a half of a whole adult! I can say things I want. Besides, it’s the playground. This is where we have fun.’  
‘Can’t you have fun without doing things you shouldn’t?’
‘What are you, my mom?’
‘…’ 
‘No but Adam, this thing my uncle said to me, it’s…I don’t know.’  
‘What was it about?’ 
‘Well…what do you know about sex?’ 
‘Everything.’ 
‘What…really?’ 
‘Yes. I read about it. It’s how animals produce offspring.’  
‘Oh.’  
‘Why? Is that what your uncle told you about?’ 
‘Yeah, but he said more about people doing sex than animals.’
‘People are animals.’
‘Yeah but its different for people! My uncle said!’
‘I mean I guess.’
‘My uncle said that if I’m anything like my dad I’ll start chasing skirts in no time.’ ‘Chasing skirts?’
‘Yeah I think that means sex.’  
‘That doesn’t sound like fun.’
‘I know! And then he asked me if I had my eye on anyone pretty and I said yeah.’
‘…’ 
‘Why’re you making that face? It’s you!’  
‘Oh. Ok.’
‘And he said that I shouldn’t pull your hair or put gum on it or do anything mean to you.’ 
‘I don’t think pulling hair or gum has anything to do with producing offspring.’   
‘Adam! Listen! And then he explained that I might want to do things to you.’  
‘If you want to produce offspring with me—’ 
‘What the fuck? Who said anything about producing offspring?’  
‘Well, I just want to tell you that we can’t produce offspring.’ 
‘WHAT!? WHY!? WHY CAN’T WE!?’ 
‘Uh, we’re both male. Biologincally. Boys can’t-‘ 
‘But then why was my uncle talking about not getting you pregnant?’  
‘Nigel, are you sure?’ 
‘He was very serious about me not doing that. His face was really serious.’
‘I don’t think your uncle knows a lot about sexual reproduction, Nigel.’   
‘Are you sure you can’t get all babied?’ 
‘Yes.’ 
‘And I can’t either?’ 
‘Nigel, we’re boys!’  
‘My uncle is weird.’    
‘Yeah. Even I think so.’     
‘He also said that I shouldn’t touch you at all unless it’s ok with you. He said I could be like his half-brother and go to jail if I don’t…sooo…can I hold your hand?’ 
‘You always hold my hand.’ 
‘Yeah, but is it ok with you? I don’t want to go to jail.’ 
‘Yes, Nigel. And you’re not allowed to go to jail anyway. Only bad people go to jail.’
‘And I’m a good people?’
‘Person, Nigel.’  
‘Whatever.’